EMOTIONAL ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS: The Woman's Perspective


To everyone, you look so beautiful, radiant and full of laughter, the girl with the perfect relationship. They tell you how good you two look together, how they wish to have a guy who would treat them as well as [they think] you are being treated but they never notice how you respond, that stiff smile that plays on your lips, and then the words of appreciation that follow which sounds as though you are trying to convince yourself that you are in the right relationship.
                                              If only they knew…
If only they could see the deep cuts your heart bears and the shattered self-esteem behind your smile. How could you even begin to explain it to them? The last time you tried to talk to someone, she told you it’s normal to have these kinds of issues. She said you could be the one with the issue and advised you to go back and enjoy your relationship. “As long as he doesn’t hit you, you are fine”, she said. She forgot that you do not have to hit to hurt.

No one ever walks into an abusive relationship consciously. Emotional abuse may not be as obvious as physical abuse but it is more insidious, just as damaging and a huge red flag that must not be ignored. It is a lethal attack aimed at your very soul, the center of your being where your abuser, the “love of your life” rips apart every atom of your self-confidence and self-esteem not with sticks, stones or fists but with words. The cycle of this abuse usually involves name calling, all sorts of verbal abuse, constant criticism, emotional manipulation, threatening, bullying, intimidation and other ways just to control and dominate your life.  In most cases, the victim and the abuser may not be fully aware of what is happening. However, some of the victims know their situation yet they choose to let their love be blind, ignore the red flags, make up excuses to the clear the doubt of anyone who tries to point out the truth to them and sometimes go as far as picking up a beef with that person. It’s easier to justify words than bruises however you are not doing yourself any good. If you are not sure of what constitutes this damaging behavior, I am going to try as much as I can to point out some signs of emotional abuse. Please, be sincere to yourself this time as you read through and make the right choice.
  • He never accepts responsibility for his actions rather he shifts the blame to you and   accuses you of being too sensitive. He brings up his past abusive relationships thus making you feel sorry for him instead of addressing your own hurt feeling. He makes   reference to your ugly past. To him, he is always right and you are always the dumb one who messes it all up.
  • He nitpicks your words and takes them out of context, accusing you of being  disrespectful and insensitive. He does everything but accept his flaw and makes sure  that his bad behavior is never addressed.
  • He never really listens to you or understand anything you say as long as it does not  conform with his will. He tries to control your life and makes ill jokes about your  friends, picking offense whenever you try to defend them.
  • He belittles you and trivializes your dreams, hopes and accomplishments, trying to  make it seem as though every success in your life is because of his ever-guiding  presence in your life.
  • He never creates time for you and when you complain, he makes you feel as though  you are at fault for that as well. You always feel like you have to pick your words and  actions carefully even though he talks and acts without considering your feelings.
  • Each time you try to leave, he threatens to hurt you and if that does not seem to work,  he threatens to hurt himself. He makes up lies just to keep you tied to him.
  • He gets jealous unnecessarily and when there is a misunderstanding, he picks you  apart with aggressive questions until there is some kind of inconsistency in your story  due to nervousness and then he starts to call you a liar.
  • He uses sarcasm and mannerisms to talk down on you and humiliates you even in  front of his friends. He constantly tries to make himself more important than you,  make you feel indebted to him and makes you feel less of yourself to the point where  you start to doubt your ability to be anything great or do anything good.
I’d like you to know this: Emotional abuse is not normal in any way. You need to learn to stop giving yourself excuses and take action. God put you in control of your life and not them. You are not who they say you are. You are who God says you are; a Queen, worth more than rubies. There is nothing left for you there apart from hurt, pain and shame. You need to get out of that place of toxicity to heal. Let me tell you the ugly truth. He will not change. Jumping into another relationship to get over him is the worst decision you will ever make. You need time alone to heal. The only relationship you are permitted to jump into after this is a relationship with God. Let Him heal you and teach you to love again. It is a gradual process but until you choose to begin, you will never really know what a real relationship should look like. Allow him to heal you and lead you to the right person for you. I know this is not what you hear everyday neither is it what you expected to read at the end of this but it is a solution that never fails. You can heal. You will heal. It may not feel like it when you first leave but you will heal. Just do it the right way. Take a walk from that relationship before it ruins you.

P.S: As far as being a victim goes, it can happen to anyone. Do not be too quick to judge someone who is already a victim. If you know someone who is trapped in this prison, please pray for them and encourage them till they find the courage to leave that relationship and begin to heal. 

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