TRAPPED IN SILENCE: When Men Become Victims.
I hear a lot of ladies make the claim that all men are the same; wicked, heartless and deceitful manipulators of ladies’ emotions. Unconsciously, we have attributed the role of the “abuser” in the relationship to the men and have made the women to always appear as the “victim”. Let me be one of the few ladies to burst this fallacy and speak the truth. I believe that men are being misjudged just because they do not express themselves the way we as ladies do. Emotional abuse is not a ladies’ thing. All men are not the same and men become victims of emotional abuse and manipulation as well, trapped in silence, too afraid to speak up for fear of being perceived as weak.
Let me come directly and speak to the man reading this right now. I know you think what is going on in your life is normal but it is not. If you do not know what emotional abuse means, allow me to define it to you. In a relationship, be it a dating, friend-zoned or brother-zoned scenario, the woman in the picture uses those feelings you have for her to her selfish advantage, sometimes in the subtlest of ways to gain control in the relationship, thus making you feel unworthy and like you are not enough. Let's take a walk, shall we?
• You’ve known for a while that your relationship has switched from being a love zone to being a war zone; always at each other’s throat, her screaming and raining curses on you and you ignoring her in hopes that she’d finally get the memo and shut up. You’ve tried to please her by yielding to her unnecessary demands. Perhaps, she has even taken charge of your social life, cutting off every friend that she sees as a threat to her reign in your life and constantly checking your emails, messages and chats just to be sure you have not engaged another lady. With her, you can never be or feel like man because all she does is tear you apart with her words instead of building you up. Everything you do becomes a point of displeasure to her; an opportunity to start nagging, cursing and crying. She threatens to kill herself or do something hurtful each time you try to leave and she goes as far as calling your mutual friends and even your family to beg on her behalf [none of whom know your struggle because to them, she is an angel to hold on to]. She promises to be a good girl and then reverts back to be the charming lady you fell for. Just when you think she has changed for the better, something sets her off again and then you are back to square one again. What is worse is that no one may believe that you are the one who is being abused and not her because you’ve been told that only weak men allow their women to get out of control.
• She is not as obvious as the naggers but she is damn manipulative; using those things you hold so dearly to manipulate you into giving into her demands. For those in sexually active relationships (which I do not think is right by the way), she uses sex as a bargaining chip. She does it so playfully and subtly that you may never even notice her motive until it is too late.
• She is only happy & available when there is money and then withdraws when the chips are down, only to return again when the economy smiles at you.
• She is that friend you have always loved but have never had the opportunity to let her know because you have been friend-zoned. She only comes to you when there is trouble in paradise “her relationship”, uses you as her comfort food and then walks away when peace has returned. She never stops to see the sad look in your eyes or how torturing it is for you as you patiently listen to her tell the tales of the joys and woes of her relationships. Sometimes, she gives you the impression that she is available and just when you start to see a chance with her, she runs off again. You try to pick the pieces of your life and forget her but before you know it, she is back again with tales of her relationship woes and then you are back to square one again.
There is a lot more scenarios but just because I do not like my articles running too long, I will draw the curtain with this. For how long do you intend to keep lying to yourself, your friends and everyone in your life about the true state of your relationship? Some of them have even perceived the truth of your situation and have tried to warn you about her but you have refused to listen. What are you so afraid of? You do not need to prove anything to anybody. You were created a man so please act like one. Perhaps, you have tried to leave severally but somehow, she always finds a way to rope you back in. I’d have you know that only you can end this. God has already given you that authority. Use it wisely and walk away from that relationship before it destroys you more than it already has. Let me make an emphasis here. Jumping into another relationship is the worst decision you will ever make. You need time alone to heal. The only relationship you are permitted to jump into after this is a relationship with God. Let Him heal you and teach you to love again. It is a gradual process but until you choose to begin, you will never really know what a real relationship should look like. I know this is not what you hear every day neither is it what you expected to read at the end of this but it is a solution that never fails. Just do it the right way. Walk away from that relationship before it ruins you.
P.S: As far as being a victim goes, it can happen to anyone. Do not be too quick to condemn someone who is already a victim, calling them “cowards”. If you know someone who is trapped in silence, please pray for them and encourage them till they find the courage to leave that relationship and begin to heal.